Do You Love Me? How to Stop Needing Reassurance in a Relationship

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Do you find that you’re constantly seeking and needing reassurance in a relationship? That was me just a few short years ago. 

Do you love me? How much? More than anything? More than anyone? Will you never leave me? Promise? What if you change your mind?

These were questions I put to my husband (then-boyfriend) Nathan at 26, 27, 28, and occasionally, at 29.

Finally, I can say that, for the most part, I no longer ask these questions. I no longer seek constant reassurance of his love for me. I no longer feel insecurity in relationships. And the story has a happy ending. I got through this issue. We got through the issue together. We’ve now been married for 3+ years and we are in a better, more loving place than ever. 

That’s not to say that I’m *completely cured.* While the constant need for reassurance may have gone away, now and again anxiety rears its ugly head and I find I’m reverting to old behaviors. Yep, it still happens. (See next: Anxiety in Relationships)

That’s because I’m a work in progress. Luckily, those moments of anxiety are never as intense or debilitating as they once were. I’ve developed the tools and resources to deal with them. And it also helps to have a tremendously loving (and patient) partner who learned how to help me feel more secure.

In so many ways I am free now from needing reassurance and I am far happier and more at peace.

But why was I like this? Why did it take so long to get over? What’s the story with looking for nonstop reassurance? And for others who are wondering how to feel secure in a relationship, what can you do to heal?

In this post, I’m going to tell you my story, how I discovered how to stop needing reassurance from my boyfriend and what has helped me grow. I have practical, real-world tips on how to stop seeking reassurance in a relationship, so buckle up and let’s dive in together.

PS: You’ll want to read this post next: What is Real Love? – A Practical Guide for Humans With Hearts

Relationship Reassurance – What’s it All About

The need for reassurance is actually a universal, human one.  That’s good news. It means that looking for comfort and security are completely normal things that we all do. 

It’s when that all that reassurance doesn’t actually reassure us that things start to grow problematic. We then fall into a pattern of asking the same questions over and over, seeking for the magic fix, the final answer or the one thing that will finally make us feel better. The thing that will finally make us feel secure. 

But we soon discover that this kind of endless searching is in vain, and the demand for a balm for our anxiety is fruitless. 

Reassurance seeking is not only limited to relationships. People seek reassurance for a range of concerns and through a variety of mediums. Some people seek reassurance from friends or family about their personal concerns.

Others look for reassurance through nonstop Googling, whether it be for health worries or any other issue. We sometimes think if we just research long and hard enough, we will find our answer.

Or in my case, if I ask my partner just ONE more time if he really loves me, I will finally feel secure.

READ NEXT:  8 Real Relationship Goals All Couples Should Have

Why do I need constant reassurance in a relationship? 

This is a very personal story to share on the vast, boundless Interwebs, but I think letting others hear how it was for me could help them. If you’ve ever struggled with overcoming insecurity in relationships or wondered how to stop needing constant reassurance, I hope this post can be a comfort and help to you.

Your story might be something like mine. Or it might be totally different. 

I’m no psychologist, but I know I had no deficit of love growing up. My mom loved me tremendously, was very affectionate, and provided for my every need. I never felt that I wasn’t loved or cared for.

My father passed away when I was barely 3 years old. I have no real memory of him or of his death, and to be honest, I have never felt ‘actively’ sad about it. It’s like hearing about the passing of a distant relative you never met. And my mom was an amazing single parent, so I didn’t feel the lack of a second parent. But perhaps that idea of loss was integrated into my impressionable brain. Maybe it contributed to my future abandonment fears. 

I was what you’d call a sensitive child. Although I was nearly always happy, it didn’t take much to upset me and I cried very easily. I had a lot of fears and anxieties growing up and I hated conflict.

Not much changed over the years. I still hate conflict and will avoid it at all costs. 

Somewhere along the way, I grew to equate conflict with a lack of love. I have no idea how this originated. If anything, maybe it was just my hypersensitivity that made me very much aware of people’s feelings and aware of the “what ifs” of life. Then, at 23, I had a painful, unexpected breakup with my boyfriend of 4 years.

I had discovered that someone could hide their true feelings from me and then suddenly be completely gone from my life. It’s highly likely this is when I went down the path of feeling insecure in a relationship, and when my reassurance-seeking started.

Why do I need reassurance in my relationship if it’s such a good one?

Nathan and I started dating in 2012, and it didn’t take long for me to start freaking out. 

It didn’t help that the first year and a half we were long-distance. That situation can be so tough and wreak havoc on the mind of an anxious person. And while I move fast and am prone to jumping “all in” right away, Nathan is a much slower, more thoughtful person in relationships. He moved with deliberation and care. He wasn’t “sure” as quickly as me, and to my anxious mind, that was terror!

In a lot of ways, we came to the relationship from opposite ends of the spectrum. 

Our attachment styles, personalities, and each of our own separate anxieties went head to head. He’s a major introvert. I’m an extrovert. 

I was pushing. He was pulling away. 

He is a person who needs time to sort through his thoughts; who doesn’t say anything unless he really means it. I am someone who needs constant reassurance (or at least I used to be) and I want it right now. 

So as you might imagine, this lead to some painful times. And despite those, we were growing closer and more in love. 

But for me, it was getting worse. 

Here I was with a sweet and loving partner who was there for me, living with me, choosing to travel the world with me, and so much more, and I could not stop questioning his love for me or asking for constant reassurance of his feelings. 

You might be thinking, well, maybe your partner actually didn’t love you and wasn’t showing it to you. Or perhaps he was emotionally unavailable. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Sometimes, there may be very real signs that a person does not love or respect you in the right way. If a partner is continually dishonest with you, belittles you in public or in private, acts controlling, is verbally abusive, or doesn’t respect you, such things are fairly obvious. 

These are clear relationship red flags and it is no surprise that you’d be unsure of your partner’s love. (Of course, with the blinders of infatuation on, these negative things can go largely unnoticed. A good tip is sometimes to ask your friends what they think. These people have your back and they will let you know if your partner isn’t treating you the way you deserve.)

But that was not the case here.
Read Next: How to Stop Overthinking in a Relationship

Even when I was at my most anxious, I was logically aware that Nathan was incredibly loving, generous, patient, kind, affectionate, and respectful. He never raised his voice in anger, never belittled me, never was cruel, and he never has been. He’s a genuinely amazing person. 

Oh, and it is vital that I mention that Nathan gave me TONS OF REASSURANCE. That’s the problem with the cycle of anxiety and reassurance seeking. Even when Nathan was saying the very words I wanted to hear, and demonstrating his caring to me through his actions, it still wasn’t enough.

So even as I felt the anxiety of “does my partner love me”, I always knew it had no basis in truth. The relationship was wonderful. This is how I knew I had to turn inward to fix what was breaking down.

I no longer want to be the girl who constantly needs reassurance. 

So how did I stop?

How to Stop Needing Reassurance in a Relationship

It sounds cliche, but the best way to quit constantly needing reassurance is to learn to love yourself.

I know that the idea of self-love can feel frou-frou. I’m not the type to stand in front of the mirror and hug myself and tell myself I’m beautiful and worthy. But I did have to take steps to learn to love and trust myself. And pretty much everything else on the journey flows from this one single idea. Let’s keep going.

Take time for yourself

Self-care is really important, and it’s essential on the path to self-love. You have to focus on your total wellbeing. From eating better to enjoying simple pleasures like hot baths and good books, to making sure to move your body once in awhile. These are huge ways to combat anxiety. When your mind is clear, there’s less room for the scary thoughts to come swirling around.

Turn inward

You have to spend time on your own. Learn to delight in your own company. Meditation is a great tool to use as it helps you stay grounded and allows you to examine what’s going on inside. I had to learn to take time to be quiet and centered. The distractions of everyday life definitely contribute to my anxiety when it flares up.

READ NEXT:  9 Tips for Dealing With Separation Anxiety in Relationships

Give journaling a try

I love writing, and journaling about my fears and feelings was super helpful. This helped me dissect them (without asking for external reassurance) and allowed me to see the reality when I was stuck in my worries. It clearly demonstrated the facts and helped me see that I was feeling insecure in a relationship for no reason.

Learn Inner Bonding

Finding tools to help you is vital. Part of my journaling was a life-changing practice called Inner Bonding. Be sure to check it out as it can really make a difference.

For me, this entailed identifying and connecting with a few different “parts” of myself, including my Inner Child, my Wounded Self, and my Loving Adult. My Loving Adult helped me navigate my fears and insecurities and silence my fear-based Wounded Self.

Essentially, this was a way for me to become my own comforter, reassurance-giver, and wise spirit. Interestingly, the Loving Adult was there within me all the time, but only with contemplative practice did she discover how to come out and let me trust her. This step was probably the single most important thing I did to heal from my reassurance seeking.

Learn to trust again

Ultimately, while this was about me and my own issues, I had to take a look at the way I approached my relationship. I did this through journaling, self-reflection, and therapy. 

I realized that I was so afraid of “what if’s” that I was failing to trust Nathan fully. And it didn’t matter that Nathan is the most trustworthy person I ever met. I had no cause to think he was planning to leave me or hurt me. 

Love is scary and it is always a risk, but you have to be all in. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Eventually, my brain caught up with my heart and I started to just put my trust in him more and more.

Figure out how to deal with uncertainty

Uncertainty is one of those things your anxiety latches onto so easily. It’s not uncommon to have those “what if’s” leaving you with feelings of insecurity in a relationship.

What if you or your partner dies? What if one of you cheats? What if you want a divorce? The simple truth is you cannot live your life wondering about what may or may not happen. All you can do is your very best with the information you have at any given moment.

And if your partner has shown himself to be a reliable, trustworthy, and loving person in the past, then by all probability, that behavior will only continue!

Despite the inherent uncertainty of relationships, when you decide to commit to someone, you just have to commit to working hard, loving through action, and sticking with your relationship through all its trials and tribulations. We wouldn’t need to take vows if we knew everything was going to be smooth sailing, would we?

Insecurity and anxiety go hand in hand, but you sometimes have to just take the leap. (Check out this excellent book Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway).

Develop skills for handling conflict

I found that one big contributor to my need for seeking reassurance was my fear of conflict. Ugh. My issue was that I viewed even minor tiffs as “conflict.” For some reason, I equated the idea that if Nathan got annoyed with me, he would leave me. It was totally illogical.

He was really instrumental in helping me with this, through his patience and his helpful way of reminding me even during arguments that his feelings hadn’t changed he still loved me. And I’ve since grown much more comfortable navigating any tense moments that arise. (Because they do. We’re human).

I can’t stress how important it is to learn to accept conflict as a natural part of a relationship. It’s not a “death knell.” It’s not a sign of something deeper. Normal, regular conflict is expected and healthy. When you start seeing it in this way, it becomes much less scary and far easier to actually deal with. 

If you do find handling conflict to be a challenging process, don’t be afraid to get outside help. Resources online can help, like this one.

READ NEXT:  26 Common Relationship Myths You Need to Stop Believing Immediately

Discover what healthy reassurance means

Getting to a healthy relationship with the idea of reassurance is important. Just because you’re working to no longer need constant reassurance does not mean that you don’t need it at all! On the contrary, it’s smart to figure out what healthy relationship reassurance would look like for you.

Discuss the following with your partner:

What does reassurance mean in a relationship? In our relationship, specifically?

What are some examples of reassurance in a relationship that would be helpful to you?

What makes you feel loved? What makes you feel secure?

Find out your “love languages”

Building on the previous tip, figuring out you and your partner’s love language can be a huge help towards ensuring you feel secure and reassured. 

Not knowing your love languages can actually contribute to the problem, because it can reveal unmet and unknown expectations.

I learned that I contributed to my own anxiety through my expectations. I am an extremely verbal person. I love being told sweet things, I adore written cards and letters, and a well-placed compliment never goes unappreciated! Surprise, my love language is “Words of Affirmation.

But while my love language is words, that isn’t Nathan’s. And here I was waiting for him to pour out his adoration almost nonstop (very unrealistic). No wonder I was second-guessing his affections and freaking myself out. He thought he was showing his love in other ways, but I just wasn’t “hearing” it. 

Together, we’ve worked to discover one another’s and to learn how to give love in the way the other person most needs and desires it.

By the same token, I’ve learned how to see love in the other languages, to notice that it’s always all around me, even when not spoken (although Nathan tells me he loves me many times every day).

The The 5 Love Languages is a great book and can be quite beneficial to any couple. Once we understood one another better, it was easier to give and receive love in many different ways.

Get My Book!

Did this article resonate with you? Want to go more in-depth with all this stuff? I’ve written an ebook just for fellow reassurance-seekers like myself. I’d love for you to check out my book Do You Love Me? How to Stop Seeking Reassurance in Relationships. It’s a quick read, but it’s packed with useful info, encouragement, and even excerpts straight from my own journal. You’re not alone, and you can totally get through this! 

If you are finding yourself held back by a need for constant reassurance in relationships, I hope this post can show you that you are far from alone. This is a common issue among both men and women, but with patience, inner love, and self-discovery, it’s possible to heal from this anxiety and move forward. Perhaps it’s time you finally accept the beautiful love right in front of you.

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42 thoughts on “Do You Love Me? How to Stop Needing Reassurance in a Relationship”

  1. Thank you for this article! You have such great insight into the importance of loving yourself first. Everything else starts from there. Also, great resources. This is something I’m really focusing on this year. <3

    • I just realized I’d never responded to your comment. Sincere apologies! I am so glad this post helped you! I hope you’re doing well!

    • I know this is written awhile ago but basically my husband was going through a rough patch after joining the military and he had a two week online relationship with this girl where they role played and he never saw her picture or what not but they sexted each other long paragraphs and he called her baby and told her he loved her. He stopped of his own accord knowing it was wrong so I decided to give him another chance. He has now been better than he has ever been these past 2 months but It is always at the back of my mind. How do I trust him again? I feel pretty sure that he wont do that again but I still hurt when i think about it. He keels saying i made one mistake in 6 years so you should just trust me, but i just cant.

      • Hi there. I’m sorry this happened in your relationship—that’s definitely tough. 🙁 Trust is a difficult thing to regain, but the fact that he stopped contacting her on his own is a positive thing, I think. Also, people can get caught up in the online world in a different way. I do think there’s a difference between role-playing and messaging and in person cheating. You may want to have some serious discussions about boundaries, together, and expectations for online activity. Be patient with each other going forward. You might consider counseling, too, whether together or just on your own. That can be tremendously helpful in situations like this.

  2. Hello! I don’t often leave comments online, but I just had to tell you that I loved this post! The advice, as well as the writing, is fabulous and clean. I’ll be trying it out and just wanted to say thanks for sharing the wisdom of love!

  3. Wow I really appreciate this article. As a person who has always been anxious in relationships, I found that I am only more so after my divorce. This helps me to feel at peace a little and understand some of my behaviors and thought processes. I am trying to slowly build a strong relationship with a good man but my anxiety has been getting the best of me.

    • I’m really glad it has helped Kate. Anxiety just plain sucks, in every single way. But you definitely can move through it when it comes to the reassurance seeking. I definitely recommend the Inner Bonding I mentioned in this article. Getting in touch with your inner Loving Adult is so helpful to realizing you’re enough. Sending love xo

  4. Like the genuine tone and straightforwardness of this article.

    The 5 love languages are a staple too!

    I do have a question…

    Im a loving and affectionate person. Something I take pride in. But my spouse isn’t. Amazing in lots of ways. Affectionate towards kids and friends. Just not me that much.

    So.. in a sense, I get the feeling like I don’t please them (which does hurt sometimes) and also that Im not truly loved and wanted.

    I would like to believe that I feel good about myself, and … I’m not the type to need my ego stroked, but I must admit it is hard not to take personal sometimes.

    Ive read that you shouldn’t ‘seek validation’ in your relationship, and I’m not sure if that’s what I’m doing… or if that’s just a normal feeling anyone would have? Sometimes I wonder if something may be wrong with me for wanting that validation of sorts? Is that normal?

    In my eyes I feel like there is few things more important than “feeling like” you have an effect on your partner.

    • Hey Al,

      Somehow I missed this comment, so sorry for the very late reply!

      I think that there’s a difference between excessive reassurance seeking and a normal human need for validation and affection. Are you still experiencing this problem with your partner? I’d definitely sit down and have a talk with them about it. Physical affection does not come naturally to some people. But if it’s the way you best experience love, a good partner will endeavour to give you what you need, even if it’s challenging for them. I highly suggest to read The 5 Love Languages together. It addresses this very well. 🙂

  5. I found this post so touching, so relevant to me, and so helpful. Thank you for being so open about your own relationship and journey of self discovery.

  6. Thank you so much for this vulnerable post! Your words here resonate with me so much, and I am grateful for your guidance in providing resources to facilitate healing. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    • ahhh thank you very much for this uplifting comment, Julie! That’s exactly why I wrote this post. Best wishes to you!

  7. Thank you for this – especially the part about loving and accepting yourself – that’s part of the whole package. I’m in a situation where my spouse cheated on me a few years ago, and in the last year or so I’ve gotten similar “vibes” from a couple of different male acquaintances she works or has worked with. It’s more about the guys being into her (I think) but the push/pull of trust and reassurance can be so difficult when it feels like there’s a “predator” lurking nearby. I think your advice of not worrying about what may happen is vital, and so important. Of course this can be the most difficult part for me. I have to accept that I can only look at my spouses actions and hear her words, and if she strays again I will ultimately find out and deal with it then, and not before. Fretting about the future will drive you crazy.

    • Hi AF. That sounds like a difficult situation for sure. I think that infidelity and the fear of it are a scary thing, but as you mentioned, you have to place trust in your partner. It’s def a major challenge if you have had a breach of trust before. But embracing uncertainty and taking your partner at their word is vital. I hope you two are doing very well!

  8. Great read!

    I discovered the 5 love languages about a year or so ago when my partner and I were going through a bit of a rough patch. I’m very much a verbal person so words of affirmation really mean a lot to me. Whereas my partner appreciates physical contact much more. Just learning how we are both different in our love languages made us realise we don’t need to keep seeking reassurance as we just speak a different “language” to one another. We now try to make sure each of us receive the type of attention we need in the relationship.

    Rio |

    • You sound like us! Ahhh, I love words! I’m glad you enjoyed that book, there’s a reason it is so revolutionary for couples. Hope you two are doing well!!

  9. Hi Amy,
    thank you for this article.
    I felt as if every word was directly for me. I’ve been battling insecurity and low self-esteem for many years now but it wasn’t until a few months ago that I was “diagnosed” with it. My constant seek for reassurance and my severe overthinking habit destroyed my inner peace and deprived me of staying grounded and proud of who I am when it comes down to dating and starting a new relationship. I have faith. I have faith I will be able to love unconditionally and trust the person I’m meant to be with above all my fears and insecurities.

    Once again, thank you!

    • Felipe, I love that you have faith in your ability to love unconditionally and trust your partner! That’s amazing. I really hope you continue to find peace in this journey. It definitely is a journey, but I promise it gets better!

  10. Wow wow wow. This was completely spot on. I read so much and was like omg this is me! This really helped me open my eyes. I learned a lot about myself. Thank you thank you!!

  11. Your blog post is very helpful and inspiring. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. About six months in, I found things that hurt deeply, to the point of betrayal. Almost a year later, things are still very hard. My insecurities and anxieties practically take over sometimes, and it created a vicious cycle even though I’ve been working through some things at a snail’s pace. I still get hit with “What if he’s hiding ______”. He regrets telling me about things he did in past relationships, I think. Even though in this past year, I have seen nothing besides fib responses to keep the peace from him after my overreactions to a couple of things, but it is so hard to shut that what-if voice down. Especially when he tells me to go find someone else, or that I’d be happier with someone else, that we don’t really have anything in common anyway, and it just makes me feel even more insecure. He says that he can’t say when he needs to or wants to, which is confusing considering the hurtful, nonconstructive things he has said in some arguments. I know my boyfriend is a good man. But I struggle in the thought pattern of, I thought I was being a good girlfriend in the beginning, what did I do to deserve those betrayals? I know people make mistakes. But in his other relationships, he only strayed or things went downhill after he had been treated badly. I struggle so hard, and fail repeatedly, against seeking reassurance to every worry and fear. For instance, he made a verbal advance to a woman while he was married to go for a motorcycle ride just to see if she’d say yes, but he says now that verbal advances are crossing a line.. I’m ashamed of it, but we have gotten into it over what he did – to his exwife. But in the recent talk we had, in which was actually a good conversation and I felt better that he wouldn’t tolerate a woman coming on to him, he said that a verbal advance is wrong. This morning, I was still hit with the desire to ask about the previously mentioned situation; did he not consider verbal advances wrong back then; does he realize that was a verbal advance; I’m honestly not even sure how I would word it, but I know from the familiar feeling that I want reassurance that he realizes it was wrong to make sure that it won’t happen to me. Its probably, easily, the first time, or almost, that I’ve resisted, usually resistance and just trying to let some fears go is a time-ticking, losing battle.. When he first told me about it, we got into it,because I wanted to make sure he knew I wouldn’t tolerate that to the point I’d said “act single, and you’ll be single” so much that he continued to expect it for months after I hadn’t said it. The fact that, in a more direct way, we’ve already had a round in regards to it, seems to help resist the urges, at least this time (versus “..but just to make absolutely sure..”). I’ve wondered if writing a blog would help me, but I worry about how he would feel about our problems being aired (let alone like this..) even though it would be anonymous. But I am so glad I came across this post, because, while your boyfriend didn’t do anything that broke your trust, it still rings true after forgiveness has happened.. but I think maybe my forgiveness isn’t quite as complete as it should. I know I don’t really even trust my own judgement. I’m starting to wonder if I didn’t develop some kind of OCD from fears/doubts on top of the pre-existing fears and lowesteem issues that I was struggling with by the end of my divorce. But your post helps alot with the fears and a game-plan of trying to make things better. Recognizing unhealthy patterns are the first steps, right? Thank you again for this blog post. I’m going to try keeping a journal,I think. Thank you again

    • Hi there, I’m glad the article helped you. I definitely think keeping a journal could be instrumental to feeling greater peace and security. <3 Definitely check out some of the resources I linked to, they could be very helpful.

  12. This article has changed my life. Your words sounded like they came from my brain. My need for constant reassurance due to being cheated on by my first love has ruined all my relationships since then. Recently I have been practicing some self love, but there are strong moments where I question those who try to love me and I question myself. It has got to the point where I don’t want to ever pursue a potential relationship because I know how annoying I’m going to be and how much anxiety it’s going to bring. This article has really helped me and I feel comfort in knowing that you have been in my exact shoes and have moved passed it.

    • Hi Olivia,

      Thank you so much for your kind comment!! I saw it but had forgotten to respond. I love hearing from people who have experienced/are experiencing something similar. I know how it can be the worst feeling and it always ends up feeling like a vicious cycle. But absolutely you can get through this. It’s like night and day for me now. Did you get a chance to download the worksheet for self-soothing? Stuff like that really helped me. Wishing you all the best!

  13. There is so much truth here. When I don’t love myself well, nothing my husband says will meet that need! Thanks for the advice lady!

  14. Hi Amy, is there any way of getting in contact with you. I absolutely love this article, just had a few questions.

    Thank you!

  15. Hey Amy,

    It’s crazy how much your article resonated with me; this is EXACTLY how I’ve been feeling. Need constant reassurance, hate any form of conflict. I had a wonderful upbringing so I have no idea where it stems from. I don’t know if you can relate to this but for me a lot of times the anxiety kicks in from any kind of change; like if he reduces the number of texts he sends me in a day then he must be talking to someone else, right? It’s ridiculous, I even know it’s ridiculous but I don’t know how to get rid of it. Knowing that I’m not alone in this helped me feel a lot better, so thank you so much for that!

  16. Hi Amy,

    I just bought your book and read it– very good. I just bought Inner Bonding, too, and look forward to using it when it arrives. I’m wondering how long you worked on all of this intentionally before you started feeling calmer? Thank you.

    • Hi! I’m so glad to hear you enjoyed the book and are checking out Inner Bonding! Honestly, I can’t remember the timeline of healing as it’s such a process, but I think having tools to help you out should grant you at least some immediate relief! It all takes practice, too, since some of it involves adopting new habits. I’d love to hear how you get on. If you have any other questions feel free to reach out!

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  18. Holy crud!! I was doing a late night self-help google therapy session about my reassurance issues, and your blog came up. Little did I know I would be absolutely mind blown away about how spot-on it was to my own experiences. Thank you for sharing!! I look forward to applying this to my own life 🙂

  19. Hi!

    I am so glad I found this article. I have read it twice over different times because it has been so relevant and when I feel myself getting anxious, I come back to it. However, right now is the worst I have felt in my relationship. I am exactly like you. Hypersensitive, hate conflict and automatically thought that any argument meant he would leave me. He didn’t and hasn’t.
    We live together, have a lovely dog and got engaged in Iceland in December. We were due to get married two weeks ago but quarantine meant it couldn’t go ahead. I was crushed. He is from the countryside and we live in the city so on the day we were due to be married, he went to see his family. Over the four days, he didn’t talk to me and came back and ended it with me. Only to change his mind and say that we would give it a go. But he wanted to move out and get space. I don’t know how to take that and my need for reassurance is overwhelming. I don’t want to end this but my fear is that if I give him space, he will end it again? I can’t talk to him for reassurance either because he is dealing with his own anxieties.
    How do I manage this without pushing him further away? 🙁

    I truly hope I hear back, I am feeling completely lost.

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  22. Wow! So well written Amy, I’m so glad I stumbled across this today while feeling extremely anxious. I have been married for about 20yrs now to a wonderful kind, caring husband and father to our kids. He has never given me reason to doubt his love for me, quite the contrary, i think he adores me ….but, and that’s a big BUT, i have found over the past year or so, a constant need (mostly online) for reassurance from other men. Attention from them, praise, adoration, anything. Am I unhappy in my marriage? is it me feeling insecure? Low self-esteem? Mid life crisis? I dont know.
    While it scares me (because i don’t want to hurt my husband or kids) I’ve fantasised about leaving, being single, free… communicating with other men excites me, makes me feel good about myself, how I look, how I am as a person and so on. And because of this ‘rush’ I can’t stop.
    Needless to say I am constantly questioning what I’m doing, what next, should I leave because I’m being unfaithful? what’s missing in my marriage? And yes we’ve visited the 5 love languages, we actually get on wonderfully. That’s the main issue I think.
    I feel like an emotional wreck. I hope you can provide some advice, I really do.

  23. I am very happy to recommend Dr. Okpodo to everybody that truly need help to fix his or her broken relationship. When I found Dr. Okpodo I was in desperate need of bringing my ex lover back. He left me for another woman. It happened so fast and I had no say in the situation at all. He just dumped me after 3 years without no explanation. I contact Dr. Okpodo through his website and he cast a love spell to help us get back together. Shortly after he did the spell, my boyfriend started testing me again and felt horrible for what he just put me through. He said that I was the most important person in his life and he knows that now Email him now for urgent help @ [email protected] or whatsapp +234815105617

  24. Hi Amy,
    I am 20 and in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend. Recently, I’ve found myself constantly seeking words and actions of validation that he “still loved” me. I subconsciously kept trying to frame it on him and get him to change; that he wasn’t an openly affectionate person, that his feelings were dissipating, that him not suggesting to call as frequently as I wanted him to meant he wasn’t into me.
    At some point, when my insecurities took over and I asked him why he didn’t want to call me just “randomly” without an objective, he straight on told me that he was tired of my constant prods for reassurance. It felt like a bucket of water to the face.
    I then realized that no matter what he did, if I didn’t overcome my own insecurities, nothing would change. Even if he did tell me that he loved me everyday, I would find ways to doubt his feelings in some other way.
    Thank you so much for this post; it’s truly eye-opening, so relatable that my eyes were welling with tears and I was laughing at how insane that was, and has acted cued me to start self-reflecting on how I can better myself for own self and for others as well!

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